An increasingly common pitfall
Modern life presents some unique challenges. STD’s. Student loans. Banks seizing your accounts, etc. None is greater than the danger of becoming a patsy. This short article will help you avoid becoming the object of a massive, televised manhunt, and being butchered in the process.
(Patsy, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, was 27)
You see, being a patsy means you cannot be arrested and tried in a Court of Law. You cannot be allowed to speak publicly. That would defeat the whole purpose of blaming you for something they did. They will pretend you died resisting arrest. That’s when they will take a meat cleaver to your chest. (I should not be flippant here. This is the murder of an innocent man by the police.)
Step Number One: Do not under any circumstances agree to participate in a “drill” designed to test precautions against “a terror attack.” No matter how much money they offer, or how much they appeal to your patriotic instincts, this is a “sorry, no-can-do.” Also, wherever this “drill” is, make sure you are a hundred miles away.
(left, patsies do not have to look menacing)
Step Number Three: Patsies can be teenagers. Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, right, is 19.
If you are a teenager, or even a child, do not assume you are safe. Babies can rest easy, for now.
Step Number Four: Question your gender. Homosexuality also confers immunity against becoming a patsy. If you are still in school, join a “gay-straight alliance.” They will help you with the conversion process.
Step Number Five: If you cannot become a Jew or homosexual, at least establish your liberal bona fides. Let slip that you voted for Barack Obama, love Diane Feinstein, read the New York Times, and watch Jon Stewart and SNL religiously. Put a PBS bumpersticker on your car. Patsies are never liberals.
Step Number Six: Prepare a plan to follow in case they still make you the terrorist. When the bullets are flying, saying “I’m a patsy” won’t cut it. You will need a hideout that is better than a boat parked in the backyard.
– See next steps